How to Make Friends as an Adult, One Chat at a Time

Why is making friends as an adult so hard?

Mostly because the things that used to make friends for you have quietly stopped. Student days, shared houses and first jobs put you in the same place as the same people week after week, and friendships grew out of that without anyone trying.

Then life fills up. Work eats the middle of the day and the commute nibbles at both ends. You move for a job or a partner and end up somewhere you don't know a soul. Friends pair off, have children, start shifts or care for a parent, and the easy drink after work becomes a group chat that goes quiet for weeks at a time.

None of this says anything about you. It only means friendship has stopped happening by accident, so it now takes a bit of intention. The ingredients haven't changed, though, and you can put every one of them back on purpose.

If the quiet evenings are the hardest part at the moment, you're far from alone in that, and our page on chatting when you feel lonely was written with you in mind.

How do you make friends online? Try these seven steps

Chatting by text is a gentle way to start. Nobody sees you blush, you can take a moment over every reply, and you can do it with the kettle on and your feet up. Natter is for adults only (18+), and this is how to use it to find friends.

1. Say you're after friendship. Members say what they're looking for, such as friendship, something casual or something long-term, and Natter's daily match suggestions weigh it alongside things like distance and interests. Choosing friendship tells people where you stand before anyone has said hello.
2. Give people something to talk about. Add a recent photo and a few lines about what you enjoy. "Ask me about my sourdough disasters" is much easier to answer than "just ask".
3. Turn up in the chat rooms. They're live group chats, moderated by admins. Read along for a minute, then reply to something someone has just said. The chat rooms page explains what each plan opens, and our how to chat guides help if you're rusty.
4. Try the quieter ways in. Comment on a post in Spaces, answer a poll, or like someone's update on the Activity Feed. All three are open on every plan, with posting and commenting limited on Free, and replying to something a person wrote is one of the easiest openers there is.
5. Carry a good chat on in private. When you keep ending up in the same conversation as someone, ask if you can message them. The Free plan comes with a limited number of private messages, VIP and VIP+ remove the cap, and the pricing page has the rest. A badge on some profiles marks members who reliably reply, which is a promising sign in a would-be friend.
6. Start a group of your own. If you're on VIP or VIP+, you can set up a private group chat for as many as 50 people, handy when a few of you from the rooms get on and want somewhere to carry on together.
7. Come back at the same sort of time. Regulars get to know regulars. Drop in most evenings after tea and before long the usernames you recognise may be the ones saying hello first.

A comment on someone's post is a natural way to say hello. You might send something like this:

• Saw your post about the allotment. My tomatoes gave up in August, what's your secret?
• Ha, no secret, just a lot of shouting at slugs. Do you grow much?
• Mostly disappointment, but I'm told garlic goes in about now.

Stuck for a first line? Our conversation starters and questions to ask will keep you going.

How do you meet an online friend in person, safely?

Some online friends stay online, and that's a proper friendship too. Others you'll want to meet for a coffee or a walk. There's no rush: suggest it once you've chatted enough that it feels natural, and take a "not yet" in your stride.

When you do meet, plan it the way you would any first meeting with someone new:

• Choose a busy public place in daylight, such as a café on the high street or a popular park.
• Let someone you trust know where you'll be, who you're seeing and roughly when you'll be back.
• Make your own way there and home again.
• Keep the first one short. An hour over a coffee is plenty.
• Keep chatting on Natter until you're both ready to swap numbers, and never send money to someone you've met online, however good the story.

If someone tries to move your chat onto another messaging app, Natter shows you a warning, so you'll know it's happening. Our chat safety guide covers the warning signs and what to do about them.